The long awaited arrival

So after they took my little girl from me she went to the NICU where they put her on a CPAP (not sure what it stands for but it's a tube in her nose to keep her lungs inflated with room air, not oxygen), an IV antibiotic, and a feeding tube in her little nose where they started giving her sugar water. I was still in the delivery room recovering and getting cleaned up. Let me tell you, there is no modesty or dignity in the labor and delivery department. Since I still couldn't walk due to my numb legs from the epidural, the nurse had to pretty much put me in a wheelchair and take me to the bathroom. There she lifted me onto the toilet and gave me some wet washcloths to clean myself with and then a new gown. She made me sit there till I went pee (they had removed the catheter and wanted to know that my bladder was functioning after the epidural). Let me tell you, it hurt! So then she gave me a pad, that was like the size of a bath towel and some disposable undies and put them on me. Then she wheeled me to my postpartum room.

It was getting late and I hadn't eaten anything since dinner the night before and I still had to go to the bathroom so I decided I should eat and try again to pee before I went to see Brianne in the NICU. But I still couldn't walk so my nurse brought me a snack (turkey sandwhich, fruit cup and cookies and juice) and then it was time for the dreaded bed pan. Remember me mentioning the no dignity/modesty thing earlier? Well yep, here again, my nurse had to lift me onto the bed pan and take care of all the, well, cleanup after. I was starting to get some use of my left leg back, so I "stood up" on my good leg and pivoted into a wheel chair. Then she escorted me and Jason to see Bri, finally!

When I saw her, I was so overcome with emotion and so filled with love that I just wept. I still do when I think of it. She was absolutely perfect and angelic and I couldn't believe she was ours! I can't believe how much you can love someone. At that moment, the love I felt for her and Jason was so powerful it made my knees weak. We weren't able to hold her just yet though because she was still on the CPAP for her lungs and under a warmer because she was unable to maintain her own body temp. But we touched her and kissed her and just stared at her for at least an hour or so. Then my nurse came for me. She said I needed my rest and took me to my room. I was so exhausted I couldn't hold my head up but I still couldn't sleep. I just wanted the littlest member of our newly formed threesome to be there with us where she belonged. I called the nurse around 3:30 am to help me go to the bathroom again and to give me some pain meds because the epidural was wearing off and all my lady parts were hurting!




In the morning, we ate breakfast and had coffee quickly (ahh caffeine!) and went straight to the NICU. We still had to be escorted though since I was still a patient and they couldn't risking me falling and suing them. Once we got there, we found out the breathing tube was gone yay! And we got to hold her, finally! We took turns holding her "skin-to-skin" to keep her warm and she was so tiny and fragile but it felt so good to have her in my arms. And it was the most amazing sight ever to see Jason holding her, and again I feel like I fell in love with him and Bri all over again. Jason and I even got to try to feed her with a bottle. This was great, and is the thing we are working on most now. She is absolutely healthy, just " young". So we need to learn to maintain our own body temp, learn to keep breathing (I'll get to the scary Apnea story later!!) and learn to suck-swallow-breath so she can take a bottle or nurse (and lose the feeding tube).

We have been told by several doctors that they don't know when she is going to be able to come home. We have been told everything from a week to six weeks! I am hoping that she will be able to come home around the time that she would have been 36weeks old (gestational age) so that's only another week and a half. I need my little girl to be home with me so I can feel whole again! I feel so lonely without her here. She has been with me for the last 8 months and now she isn't here to talk to anymore. I still catch myself rubbing my belly lovingly from time to time only to remember she is no longer in there... I miss her.