“The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.” - Rajneesh
Now that Brianne is a full blown toddler, I feel like I’ve learned so much. Not just about being a mom, but about life and living and being a human being that participates in society. Looking back at my former life now, I don’t think I was actually living. I was more zombie than human, going from one mundane life task to the next without stopping to “smell the roses” or look around at all the beauty (and horror) in this world. Yes, it is true that I cry (a lot) more now, but I tell myself that is because I’m awake now, I’m alive now. My emotions are more real, more raw, and things really affect me differently now because as a mother, I can see things from different perspectives. I understand why my parents set curfews and made me call home when I arrived at my destination. I understand what true love is, not fake movie love, but true love because of my husband and daughter.
I find myself questioning my beliefs and wondering how, in a just and civilized world, a person convicted of hurting a child is NOT being put to death (this coming from someone who did her college internship with Amnesty International). How is it possible that my beliefs and convictions of the past that I was so willing to defend and so passionate about, could change so dramatically?
So, yes, needless to say, I’ve changed. Physically, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually. It almost feels like I have worried myself into a strange sort of calm, something I am not used to as anyone who knows me knows. And strangely enough, after having Bri, I have controlled (mostly) my anxiety and panic disorder without the use of meds. I successfully weaned myself off zoloft before my third trimester, as was recommended by my OB and all the research (a personal accomplishment I am proud of). And yes, in the beginning, with a child in the NICU that was prone to forget to breath and turn blue on occasion (several to be exact) and a horrendous case of Reflux, I did my fair share of over-worrying and panicking and over-reacting. And I had some pretty severe post partum depression and what I have dubbed “post-preemie-panic-disorder” (any mom of a preemie knows this disorder – it’s comprised of the following – guilt, fear, anger, grief, depression, guilt, shock, extreme highs and extreme lows, fear, guilt, sleep deprivation, inability to eat or hold a conversation, and did I mention guilt?) and I even went to a therapist. But now, I feel different. I feel calm…
Now, don’t take this to mean I have a calm life or have somehow figured out the answer to the working mom riddle, because of course I am still winging it like every other new mom is, but now the chaos is calming. I have come to realize that taking my daughter out for a walk with my husband is infinitely more important and life altering than loading the dish washer. Reading a book to Bri is so much more rewarding than running the vacuum cleaner. And before, dirty dishes and cat hair strewn about the house would cause me to lose sleep, but now, I look at them as the sign of a happy home. It is proof that we have money to feed ourselves, the cats who are getting old are still healthy enough to play, and that life is keeping us too busy and happy to even notice the mess.
My life is chaotic yes, but I wouldn’t change a minute of it. I have come to the realization that there isn’t enough time to do it all, so you know what, I only do what I can. Prioritize! I am content to spend my week of vacation at home literally just watching Brianne grow. Should I have cleaned out my closet and put away my winter sweaters? Probably. Was that a necessity, no. As a working mom I miss out on so much of my daughter’s life! A couple weeks ago we learned that she can blow kisses bye bye and we have no idea where she learned this because we have never blown kisses to her. According to her daycare teachers, they do it at daycare. I don’t want to miss anything else! So if I have to sacrifice updating my blog, or painting my toe nails, or putting away the laundry to spend time with my little girl, I will do it with a smile. In a typical week, I really only get to see my daughter 35 hours, in a week!!! This is our week day routine:
4:30am – Wake up and quietly get ready for work
5:45 – Brianne wakes up. Change diaper, make breakfast, feed
6:00 – Wake Jason up
6:30 – Dress Brianne for daycare and get one last cup of coffee
7:00 – Take Brianne to daycare : (
7:30-4:30 – Work
5:00pm – Pick Bri up from daycare
5:45 – Make dinner for Bri
6:00 – Feed Bri dinner
6:30 – Give Bri a bath
7:00-7:30 – Bedtime for Bri
There are 168 hours in a week. 35% of those hours Brianne is in daycare, 50% Brianne is sleeping or napping… So for those of you doing the math, that leaves me a desolate 15% to spend with my daughter. That’s not a lot of time. She spends nearly 60 hours a week at daycare!!! And from this horrid realization, I have learned that a clean house and painted toenails are simply not a priority any longer. I don’t want to miss anything else. Life is just too busy and there’s nothing you can do it about it. And luckily, I have I learned how to slow down and live it rather than watch it pass me by…
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