1 in a 100,000!!

In my last post I mentioned I felt horrible, well that was an understatement! That night when Jason came home from work, I had him run me to Urgent Care because my fever was 102 and wouldn't come down. Mom was at the house with Bri so he took me. I waited, and waited, and then waited some more. The doctor came in and asked me if my only symptoms were the fever and headache and I said they were and he told me I needed to take myself to the ER for a lumbar puncture because it sounded like meninigitis! I was like excuse me? He said he could neither confirm nor deny without an LP so I went to the car in tears and told Jason. He took me to the ER and the waiting room was full. I felt like I was gonna pass out when I walked in so I just went and sat down and he filled out all the paperwork for me. This was at 9:00PM. They called me back at around 10 for triage and they took some blood, vitals and started an IV then sent me back to the waiting room. Weird I know, but there were several people in the waiting room in hospital gowns and IVs because they had no available rooms...

At midnight, they came for me, finally! And the doctor said my white cell count was super high and that he needed to do the LP to confirm meningitis. They gave me a saline bag and antibiotics in my IV, then a little morphine and then he started. I was super frightened because I just had an epidural and it was no fun! This was no fun either. He stuck the needle in to numb me and that hurt like hell! Then when he was doing the actual withdrawal of spinal fluid, I said I felt like I was gonna pass out then I did. Fortunately I was laying down but it freaked Jason out. The test results were inconclusive until the cultures could be examined in 24-48 hours so they admitted me at 6am. Jason went home to get some sleep and I passed out once in my room.

I spent another weekend in the hospital! Our anniversary weekend! And yes, I did have meningitis. Viral meningits, not the bad one that can kill you, but still bad enough. They discharged me yesterday morning but I had to go back to get another IV of antibiotic this morning and possibly again tomorrow morning. I've been so pumped full of antibiotics these last few days... and vicodin! I was under isolation until Monday morning which meant that everyone who came in my room had to have a mask on. I felt like a leper. And to keep Brianne safe, she has been at my parents house since Saturday morning and I miss her so much! She will be home with her mommy and daddy tomorrow though.

I had been afraid to google meninigitis because I didn't want to read all the bad scary stuff about it. But Jason googled it and it says it can be caught from mosquito bights... Also, the virus that causes it also causes the common cold but in either case, it's like only 1 in 100,000 people actually get viral meningitis so go figure. I had only ever spent the night in the hospital, as a patient, once before this year and that was when I was 4 and had my tonsils removed. This year alone I have had 5 separate stays in hospitals (and that's not counting spending the night with Bri in the hospital). I think I'm due for a break at this point.

Since I still feel like crap and have a pounding headache (and will have for about another week or two) I'm going to crash on the couch (since I won't be able to do this once Bri is home). I just really really hope she doesn't get sick, if she does, I'll never forgive myself.

I feel horrible...

I woke up this morning with a fever and throbbing, pounding headache. So I have stayed home from work but being sick isn't why I feel so horrible. Jason just left for work and he took Brianne to daycare. I feel like a bad mom!! I'm home and she isn't here with me! This is the first time in 5 months I've been home alone and I should be in bed, resting up, trying to feel better but instead, I'm crying and worrying and typing this. I know that I feel too bad to have taken care of Bri by myself today and I really really don't want her to get my cold. But she has that ear infection and is taking antibiotics so maybe that will protect her... I don't want to take any chances though. And the worst part is that when I was changing her diaper and getting her dressed for daycare, she was laying on the floor on her blankie and started coughing, no big deal since she has had this cough for a while now. But then the cough got worse and she got real red, so I rolled her onto her side in case something came up so she wouldn't aspirate it. Well sure enough, she started throwing up (or spitting up) alot! I didn't even have her diaper on her but I picked her up and she threw up all over me and just kept coughing and coughing. Finally, she stopped and caught her breath and there were little tears in her eyes and she was red and made this sad little whimper... So now I feel very terrible about her going to daycare and me staying home. I am not going to be able to rest now because I'll be worrying about her. And since we only have one car, I can't go and get her... But before they left, she did start smiling and playing with her feet so that must mean she feels better right?

She'll be okay at daycare right? They will check on her if she starts coughing like that again right? I called my mom and she said she will come and get her out of daycare when she gets off at 2 so she won't be there as long. I feel like since I'm a mom I shouldn't show weakness but that's how I feel, weak. How can I make myself stop worrying about her? And Jason has been sick too and he hasn't missed any work but here I am at home! And our first anniversary is this weekend and we had made big plans for tomorrow but now with me being sick I don't know if we'll do anything but lay around the house, all of us being sick. And this being home alone business has given me flashbacks of being on bedrest already. Who would have ever thought that staying home from work sick would make me feel so much worse. I need to rest...

False Positives!

As you know Brianne had her cardiologist and vascular surgery appointment yesterday and we got good news all around! The cardiologist did another EKG and it too showed there were problems with Bri's heart. Well the cardiologist came in to talk to us and said that after reviewing her echo results from when she was in the ER he's determined the 3 EKG tests were producing false positives and that her heart was strong and healthy! He said he did detect a very slight murmur but he's not worried about it and if anyone asks to tell them she doesn't have one, that's how slight it is. And since we've heard such great things about Dr Hirsch, everyone says he's the best, I feel 100 times better. He does want to see us back in 6 months for another echo and a follow up just to be absolutely certain, but he doesn't forsee any problems. Yay!!

Then at her appointment with the vascular surgeon, the doctors were all totally shocked to see how improved her hemangioma is. They said she does not need surgery and actually told us "good job" for taking such good care of it. We follow up with them in 3 months but they too do not forsee any further problems. Woohoo!

And to top it all off, we qualified for a state program called BCMH which is for parents of children with medical handicaps (or potential medical handicaps). We are now part of their treatment plan which will pay all of our out-of-pocket expenses for the next 3 months (which means I didn't have to pay the two separate $50 copays yesterday) and anything our insurance won't pay they handle! It's about time we got some assistance!!

So now I must wake the sweet pea and get ready for work but I leave you with her 5 month sticky pic picture!

The Big Appointment

Today Brianne has her appointment with the cardiologist... I'm nervous! My heart and soul tell me that she is perfectly healthy - she's happy, eating good, growing and gaining weight, hitting milestones like a full term baby, but there's that lingering fear. I mean, what new mom wouldn't be scared hearing that her perfect baby may have a problem with her heart? I think I'll rest better after talking with the cardiologist though, hopefully he will put all my fears to rest. And according to our doctor, the cardiologist we are seeing is one of the best. His calender was full through the end of October but luckily he was able to squeeze us in. After the cardiologist appointment we have an appointment at the Vascular Malformation clinic so the hemanigioma surgeon can check out Brianne's birthmark and decide if surgery is still needed. I don't think it is necessary any more because it is healing great now that we are keeping it covered. And I don't want her to have surgery unless it is absolutely necessary.

So my mom will be here to pick us up then we are going downtown to meet Jason for lunch and then I'm going to take Brianne to meet all the people we work with. I very rarely get an opportunity where I'm off on a work day so this is a rare event. I sent everyone an email last week telling them we'd be bringing the baby by so everyone is excited to see her. I wanted to try to get her an appointment to see her regular pediatrician today too because she is still so congested from her ear infection and still has a horrible cough. It's usually worse in the morning too and there were a few days that she threw up on me. But I guess if you're a baby that's the only way to get rid of it since they can't spit.

We had a big weekend with the little one too. Sunday we went to a BBQ at Jason's cousin's house. Brianne was so excited about being in new surroundings with new faces to look at she refused to nap. The weather was perfect too and she loves being outside! Then yesterday Jennifer, Tara and Susan (grandma) came over to visit. Unfortunately they got to meet grumpy Bri though. Since she slept very little on Sunday she was trying to make up for it yesterday. And when she's asleep, you don't wake her. We joke about not waking the sleeping beast lol. We went to lunch and she was asleep in her car seat when we got there but woke up while we were eating and I guess she was scared or startled because she just started screaming and crying. I had to get up and walk around the restaurant with her till she finally calmed down. But she did eventually wake up and show them some smiles before they left.

Next weekend is mine and Jason's first anniversary! We are going to go kayaking on Saturday after dropping Bri off at my parent's house. I can't wait! We haven't been since our honeymoon and so I'm hoping for some good weather. Then, the weekend of the 24th we are taking our first vacation as a family! We are going to spend the long weekend at Lake Norris in Tennessee with Aunt Wendy, Tom, Jennifer, Tara, Amber, AJ, Devin and Aiden. Tom has a house on the lake and boats and a jet ski and it should be a blast. I can't wait for a little rest and relaxation too, and I've never been on a jet ski before! Jennifer has a little life jacket that was Tara's that should fit Bri so she can go boating with us. I will of course post tons of pics after we get home.

Brianne is waking up and I have to get us both ready for our day so I'll update after the doctor's appointments. Keep your fingers crossed for us.

Brianne Updates and Pictures

It's been so long, where do I begin... We just had Brianne's 5 month old pics taken and they turned out fantastic! She's growing like a weed and learning new things every day. She loves rice cereal, especially with peaches in it and tonite we had our first veggie - green beans. They were hit too! She's super strong and can roll over now, both directions, and nearly sits on her own too. She's a little chatter box and loves to squeal and laugh. She's nearly too long for her 3-6 month sleepers too, she's 25.5 inches long!! And at her last doctor appointment she was 13 lbs 8 oz.

So, in my last post I mentioned our hospital visit and the EKG and echo... Well about 2 weeks ago we took her to the Vascular Malformation clinic at Chidren's Hospital because her hemangioma was bleeding and super sore. While we were there, the doctor looked at her EKG results and said they wouldn't do surgery until they were sure her heart was fine. Apparently the EKG showed she might have right ventricular hypertrophy but no one had told us that. So they did another EKG in the office and called me a week later with the results. The results this time showed she might have left ventricular hypertrophy. They explained it as the right ventricle (that leads to the lungs) is slightly enlarged. This could be because of all the apnea spells she had which caused the heart to pump blood to the lungs harder. Obviously, at this point I freaked...

They referred us to a Cardiologist at Children's and we go on Sept 7. Everything seems to be going good now though. Her hemangioma is heeling since we've been keeping it covered and doesn't hurt her anymore. Her reflux seems to be better too. But she had the croup and then an ear infection and now she is super congested and there's not really much we can do for her. Other than that, she's happy and full of smiles, sleeping through the night, eating good, gaining weight and always entertaining us.

We went to the zoo a couple weekends ago with Sam, Alex, Jack and Anna. It was super hot though so we didn't stay very long but she seemed to enjoy herself, at first. She just got so hot! And the AC in my car isn't working too good so we had a hot ride home. I was trying to get us there quickly but was scared because my freaking check engine light came on! I called Jason freaking like "what do we do if the car breaks down, how will a tow truck take the car seat, what if Brianne dehydrates...". We made it home okay and Jason fixed my car today. We had a real estate agent come by last weekend to meet with us and give us a market appraisal of the condo. She was great too, was referred to me by Liz, the mom of 2 preemies whose blog I've been reading. I'm not sure how soon we'll be able to actually move because it's not a good time to sell a house and we're both pretty deep in debt right now with all the hospital bills but it can't hurt to put our feelers out.

Jason's and my first anniversary is coming up and we've got big plans! Can you believe it's been a year?!?!? We are going to drop Brianne off at my parents and go kayaking! Then drinks and dinner at Hooters (yes I know that doesn't sound too romantic but it's one of the many places we went on our first date). Then we're going home to open our champagne we saved from the wedding (we didn't keep the top tier of the cake). So Brianne will be having her second sleep over at her memaw and pops' house. Ironically enough, our anniversary falls on Grandparents Day so it all works out in the end.

Last weekend we had Bri on her activity matt on the floor and out of the clear blue she rolled over onto her tummy! Then she kept on going and rolled onto her back. She did this like 3 or 4 more times and went half way across the room! We got some of it on video too. She has also found her feet and spends most the time with her ankles in her hands. One night I heard her grunting in her co-sleeper at about 3 am and I looked over and she had rolled over onto her belly and was being too lazy to roll back. So I had to roll her over, but then she kept trying to do it! I had to sleep with my hand in front of her to keep her from doing it again. And this morning she woke up at like 6 and I was awake too but I just laid there and watched her. She was totally entertaining herself! She was grabbing her ankles and rolling onto her side and back onto her back. I put her glow worm in with her and she played with him and eventually found her thumb and put herself back to sleep. I was so proud of her independence! We have such a good baby!!

I'm sure there are a million other things to write about but I can't think of any right now. Oh, except I have already started to plan her first birthday (yes it's still over 6 months away but I plan, it's what I do). I've been working on her invitations because I'm doing photo collage ones and of course there will be a St Patrick's Day theme. I've also been writing a poem to her that I will give to her on her birthday that she can read when she grows up.

So, I leave you with pictures:



One of my most favorites! I love the mischevious grin!



And this is her "happy baby face"



Look how strong she is!



Love this vintage cradle!



Trying to eat her teddy.



Wearing her baby legs!



The family shot

It's been a while...

It's been a couple months since I lasted posted but as you can imagine, having a baby takes up 110% of your time. She spent the night at my parents' house last night: our first night away from her and when she left, I was super sad. It was nice though, being able to go to dinner with Jason and getting to sleep in. And yesterday was Brianne's 4 month birthday! I can't believe how quickly the time passes! She is getting so big too and has developed a personality and is just the most amazing little person. She's about 13 lbs now and is able to roll from her back to her side and can sit up alone for a short time and has found her hands and her thumb! Oh she loves her thumb! We have been on several outtings, once we even took her to the Newport Aquarium and she loved being carried around in her little baby back pack so she could see everything (see pic to the right). She's smiling and laughing at us now and sleeping like a champ! I actually have to wake her up in the mornings! One night last week she slept for 9 hours straight and when I woke up I was panicked that something was wrong.

We had a scare a couple weeks ago though. Her reflux has been a nightmare of epic proportions! There were 3 or 4 instances when she would start to spit up in her sleep and her airway would close and she would stop breathing and turn blue! One morning she did it while we were getting for work and I was in the bathroom and heard her gasping for air in the other room. I ran to her and picked her up and patted her on the back and she took a breath. I of course freaked so I decided to stay home from work. We took Jason to the bus stop and when I got home I was going to call the doctor when they opened and take her in. Well she did it again! This time she turned blue and it took me a few minutes to rouse her and after I did, she seemed very lethargic and lifeless so I called 911. Two cops, an ambulance and fire truck show up in our lot and the first one in the house was a police officer. He took Bri and ran her out to the life squad. As soon as the EMT took her she came too and was wide awake. They checked her and everything seemed fine but they suggested taking her to Children's Hospital just to be sure. So we rode in the ambulance to the hospital and I called Jason, who took a cab from work and met us in the ER.

They couldn't find anything wrong with her, thank god! But wanted to keep her overnight for observation. They decided to do a chest x-ray and found that her heart looked "big" so they did an EKG and said the "peaks" on her heart graph seemed too long... So they wanted to do an ECG but in order to do that they had to sedate her so she would remain still during the procedure. Keep in mind that at this point it's about 2:00 PM and she hadn't eaten anything since 5:00 AM (they wouldn't let us feed her before the procedures...) So after the ECG they said everything looked fine but that we "might" want to follow up with a cardiolist in 6 months to a year. What does that mean? We might want too? Uh, does that mean we should or that we need too?? Anyway, mom came and spent the night with me and Bri in the hospital and all things being normal, it was absolutely adorable to see her in her little hospital gown. Yes they make them that small (and they even tie in the back).

And her little hospital bed/crib was too cute too. Since there was only one pull out couch and I was still severely scared, we took turns sleeping that night so needless to say, we hardly slept.

Two weeks later and we've had no more "episodes" and everything appears to be going good. She had her pics taken professionally at 3 months old and I have posted a few below. Basically we are loving life with our little one and the stress factor has subsided signifcantly since we are getting sleep now. I will try to post more often in the future but whether or not I do is up to Brianne.

Brianne's Stats

Date: May 5, 2010

Age: 7 Weeks

Weight: About 8.5lbs

Height: About 22 inches

Feeding routine: Mommy milk by bottle every 3-4 hours

Sleeping habits: Sleeps for about 3-4 hours, has her days and nights mixed up, and is just now starting to like sleeping in her co-sleeper. She prefers sleeping on her tummy, which we can do since we have the motion monitor.

Misc: She and I went for our first walk in the stroller Friday and she didn't turn blue!

Mommy updates: Friday the 30th was my 33rd birthday and we had Sam and Alex and Jack and Anna over for a BBQ. Bri was awake nearly the whole time they were here too! Went to my 6 week follow up appointment with my OB and she said I'm healed and doing great. And, the best news, I'm at one pound under my pre-pregnancy weight and back in my pre-baby jeans!! But yesterday I started back to work, part-time from home though.

Time flies when you're sleep deprived...

So it's been a long time since I've posted anything, but needless to say, it's been a little chaotic around here with a new baby at home. Yes she is finally home. She came home on April 6th after spending 3 weeks in the NICU. The ride home was frightening though since the incident with her turning blue in the car seat the week before. We did however spend the night at the hospital before taking her home. That was also frightening. Her doctor suggested we "room-in" with her before taking her home so we could get used to her sleeping with us without the monitors and alarms. The room we stayed in was very small, basically a big closet. It had a fold-out couch, a recliner, a lamp and a bathroom. I think there was a phone but there was no tv so we had to watch DVDs on our laptops. They wheeled her isolette in around 9PM and she was ours for the evening. Needless to say, I didn't sleep that night. I held her for a long time to make sure I could feel her breathing, and then when I put her down I kept one hand on her to make sure she was breathing. We all survived though!

Having her home has been a whirlwind! And let me just say that the $200 we spent on the AngelCare Motion Monitor was well worth it! I don't think I would have slept at all the first few nights if we didn't have it. And we never had an alarm go off which is good because that means she never stopped breathing. The first night home though, she didn't want to sleep in her co-sleeper so I tried rocking her to sleep and fell asleep! I fell asleep with her in the bed with us and we slept for 5 hours with no interruptions! When I woke up I was panicked! I couldn't understand why she didn't wake me to eat but she was fine thank god! That's the last time I've let us fall asleep with her in bed with us. Since then, on average, I think I sleep about 4-5 hours a night, and very rarely are those hours consecutively. She is getting better though and the last two nights she let me sleep for 4 hours before waking up and I actually slept in the bed last night! I had taken up residence on the couch because it's easier to do the nighttime feedings downstairs but oh how I miss sleeping in my bed with my Jason...

I went through some serious baby blues though for a while but I think that has all passed now. It's just so very different having a baby at home and it seemed like our lives were so different and that fact made me scared. I missed life as a twosome and wondered if it would ever be the same. Part of me even wished that I could just have my normal life back and that thought terrified me. I mean, how long would it be before we could lay in bed and snuggle till noon on a Sunday again? Spontaneously go to dinner and a movie? Go to Happy Hour after work? I think that being on bed rest for 6 weeks, then spending every day for 3 weeks in the NICU just took its toll on me. I think part of me was just stir crazy and craving human interaction. But I don't think I would have survived the last few weeks without the help from Jason and my mom and dad. My parents will come over and watch Bri just so I can nap and shower and feel human again.

I was also feeling depressed over our nursing situation. Since she was born prematurely, we were not able to start breastfeeding right away and we just couldn't quite get it to work. So I was pumping milk ever 3 hours, and had gotten real good at multi-tasking so that I could feed her and pump at the same time. But pumping ever 3 hours for 3+ weeks leaves the girls feeling not so good. And how time consuming it all became! Every 3 hours I would warm a bottle, feed Bri, pump, wash and sanitize my pump parts and then I would only have 2 hours left before I would start the whole routine over again. We were able to do a few successful nursing sessions but by that point I was already so sore that I couldn't let her nurse for long enough. We worked with several lactation consultants and they all said that I'm making too much milk, which is why every time we tried it, she would get choked and turn blue. I've gone back and forth over this and cried a million tears but I've decided that I'm going to stop pumping at 8 weeks and switch to formula... I feel so guilty about this decision though that it's tearing me up inside. I feel like we were robbed of our breastfeeding-bonding time in the hospital and that it was my fault because I couldn't stay pregnant long enough to keep her out of the NICU. I think I've overcome these feelings of guilt though, I think.

But she is doing great and growing so much! She has reflux though and we had a few scary feeding events where she would choke on her bottle and turn blue, but her pediatrician said it was due to reflux. She hated eating because it hurt her, and I hated feeding her because it frightened me. She now takes Baby Zantac and it's helped so much! She rarely even spits up now. But, she is so gassy most days and she just lays and grunts and pulls her legs up and flails her little arms. Thank god for the Mylicon gas drops! And yesterday was picture day and the photographer was supposed to be at our house at 1:30 and we had a huge diaper blow-out before she got there! Bri was covered in poo! It was on her back, her tummy, her legs, her special picture outfit! So I had to give her a bath all by myself right before the photographer got there. Then, during pictures, she pooed two more times lol.

Here are some pics of her. These were taken in the hospital on the day she was supposed to come home the first time. She was two weeks old here:

Good news update

When I got to the NICU this morning to see Brianne, I noticed the feeding tube was gone from her nose. Hmmm... The nurse came to talk to me and told me that she ripped her own feeding tube out last night! They had been giving her bottles ever since. They said yesterday she did 75% of her feedings by bottle and that in the last 24 hours she was at 100%. This is excellent news! So we did bottles all day today and as long as she can take in 150 ml a day by mouth there's no need for the feeding tube to be put back in. When I left at 6pm tonight she was up to 112ml for the last 24 hours and still had 2 feedings left to hit 150! I think we'll do it! And the lactation consultants came in to talk to me again and said they heard she would be getting discharged soon and they want to meet with me tomorrow at 10:30 to do one last nursing session and go over discharge stuff!!!! Our little sweet pea may still yet be home for Easter!!!!

And, a less important bit of good news - I can fit in my pre-pregnancy jeans already! Things may be looking up all around!

Break another little peice of my heart...

So it's day 11 after delivery and my baby girl is still in the NICU... Every day is torture without her. No new mother should be expected to have to deal with having a baby and then having to go home without her. I miss her being with me, inside my belly, where I can talk to her and feel her little kicks. She was with me for the last 8 months and now she isn't! If I make it through this with my sanity it will be a miracle. And poor Jason... He has gotten so used to me crying out of the blue that he doesn't even ask what's wrong anymore. He just hugs me and assures me she'll be home soon.

I have been going to spend the days with her while Jason is at work. It's my new "job". I pack my bag with books and my pumping equipment and drop Jase off at work every morning at 7:30 and then it's off to the NICU. I sit with her and hold her and read out loud to her and every 3 hours I attempt to feed her. We have been working on nursing and she's great at it! Latched on right away on our first attempt. The doctor's tell us she has gained weight and is up to 5lbs 8oz which is wonderful and they have increased the amount of breast milk she gets per feeding. However, she won't be able to go home until she can take all of her feeds by mouth. She is now taking a little over half by bottle or breast but each time we have to finish up with the feeding tube. I am determined to get her home soon so we'll have to keep working hard.

So I mentioned in a previous post about our little scare. Well apparently preemies are prone to Apnea (where they forget to breath) and Bradycardia (aka Brady, where their heartrates drop below 100 for 15 seconds or more). These A & Bs usually happen together or cause each other. While I was nursing her on our second attempt, with no assistance this time, she had an episode. The alarms went off on her monitor and I looked at her and saw she was actually turning blue and seemed very non-responsive. I was terrified and kind of rubbed her and shook her (not hard of course) and she snapped out of it. The nurses and doctor's say that this is common in preterm babies and she'll "grow out of it". When??? So I was afraid to hold her or attempt nursing again for the rest of the day. And when I do, I can't take my eyes off her monitors!

The next day I had the lactation consultants come work with me and show me how to best breastfeed using the football hold. This way I could be more in control of her neck and head to assure she has an open airway and can breath. The doctor's came and told me not to worry about the A & B spell and that she will snap out on her own but that when it happens to rub her back or bottom till she does. They say they aren't worried about this and that the only thing keeping her in the NICU is her feeding. So now I am again terrified of what will happen when we do get to bring her home. What if these spells continue? How will I know if she's breathing when she's home with the monitors? How will I sleep or ever be able to walk away from her when I put her down? I am trying to train myself now when I hold her/feed her not to watch the monitors at all because I won't be able to when she's home but it's so difficult!

And it so exhausting to have a baby in the NICU that we are both physically and mentally wore out. I just gave birth and am supposed to be taking it easy, but I haven't since they let me out of the hospital. I was feeling so ill and feverish and concerned about my heavy bleeding Tuesday that I went to see my OB. She said I was showing signs of anemia and yelled at me for not taking time to fill my prescription for my Iron supplement they gave me in the hospital. She also yelled at me for all the walking and stressing and told me I was just overdoing it. She did an internal exam and my stitches were fine, my cervix was fine and my uterus was contracting and returning to normal. No physical abnormalities were causing my extra bleeding, just me not taking it easy. So I filled my prescription and took the next day "off" from the NICU. My mom went and spent the day with her instead but I felt so guilty that I didn't get any rest and several times almost got dressed and drove to the hospital.

It's taking its toll on Jason too. I woke up one morning to pump at 4am and was so out of it, I didn't even notice he wasn't in bed with me. I started a pot of coffee while I was getting my pumping equipment ready and he snuck up on me from the basement. He had been down there all night, unable to sleep, and due at work in 4 hours. He said he couldn't sleep and was going to just stay up till time to go to work. After pumping, I laid back down and he was going to wake me at 5:30. Well, at 6 I woke up and realized I had overslept and the house was silent. I went to the basement and there he was, asleep in his computer chair with a video clip of Bri sleeping playing in a loop on his pc. It was the sweetest image I had ever seen.

Yesterday, the little baby next to Bri was released. When her parents came to get her, we told them congratulations and as soon as they left, I wept. I guess I was jealous that they were getting to take their little one home with them while ours was still there for who knows how long...

The long awaited arrival

So after they took my little girl from me she went to the NICU where they put her on a CPAP (not sure what it stands for but it's a tube in her nose to keep her lungs inflated with room air, not oxygen), an IV antibiotic, and a feeding tube in her little nose where they started giving her sugar water. I was still in the delivery room recovering and getting cleaned up. Let me tell you, there is no modesty or dignity in the labor and delivery department. Since I still couldn't walk due to my numb legs from the epidural, the nurse had to pretty much put me in a wheelchair and take me to the bathroom. There she lifted me onto the toilet and gave me some wet washcloths to clean myself with and then a new gown. She made me sit there till I went pee (they had removed the catheter and wanted to know that my bladder was functioning after the epidural). Let me tell you, it hurt! So then she gave me a pad, that was like the size of a bath towel and some disposable undies and put them on me. Then she wheeled me to my postpartum room.

It was getting late and I hadn't eaten anything since dinner the night before and I still had to go to the bathroom so I decided I should eat and try again to pee before I went to see Brianne in the NICU. But I still couldn't walk so my nurse brought me a snack (turkey sandwhich, fruit cup and cookies and juice) and then it was time for the dreaded bed pan. Remember me mentioning the no dignity/modesty thing earlier? Well yep, here again, my nurse had to lift me onto the bed pan and take care of all the, well, cleanup after. I was starting to get some use of my left leg back, so I "stood up" on my good leg and pivoted into a wheel chair. Then she escorted me and Jason to see Bri, finally!

When I saw her, I was so overcome with emotion and so filled with love that I just wept. I still do when I think of it. She was absolutely perfect and angelic and I couldn't believe she was ours! I can't believe how much you can love someone. At that moment, the love I felt for her and Jason was so powerful it made my knees weak. We weren't able to hold her just yet though because she was still on the CPAP for her lungs and under a warmer because she was unable to maintain her own body temp. But we touched her and kissed her and just stared at her for at least an hour or so. Then my nurse came for me. She said I needed my rest and took me to my room. I was so exhausted I couldn't hold my head up but I still couldn't sleep. I just wanted the littlest member of our newly formed threesome to be there with us where she belonged. I called the nurse around 3:30 am to help me go to the bathroom again and to give me some pain meds because the epidural was wearing off and all my lady parts were hurting!




In the morning, we ate breakfast and had coffee quickly (ahh caffeine!) and went straight to the NICU. We still had to be escorted though since I was still a patient and they couldn't risking me falling and suing them. Once we got there, we found out the breathing tube was gone yay! And we got to hold her, finally! We took turns holding her "skin-to-skin" to keep her warm and she was so tiny and fragile but it felt so good to have her in my arms. And it was the most amazing sight ever to see Jason holding her, and again I feel like I fell in love with him and Bri all over again. Jason and I even got to try to feed her with a bottle. This was great, and is the thing we are working on most now. She is absolutely healthy, just " young". So we need to learn to maintain our own body temp, learn to keep breathing (I'll get to the scary Apnea story later!!) and learn to suck-swallow-breath so she can take a bottle or nurse (and lose the feeding tube).

We have been told by several doctors that they don't know when she is going to be able to come home. We have been told everything from a week to six weeks! I am hoping that she will be able to come home around the time that she would have been 36weeks old (gestational age) so that's only another week and a half. I need my little girl to be home with me so I can feel whole again! I feel so lonely without her here. She has been with me for the last 8 months and now she isn't here to talk to anymore. I still catch myself rubbing my belly lovingly from time to time only to remember she is no longer in there... I miss her.

34w - Happy Birthday Brianne!

Yes, I know, it's been a while since I've posted but having a newborn in the NICU keeps you busy (and exhausted). My sweet little Brianne was born at 7:31 PM last Wednesday March 17th which was St Patrick's Day!. She was 5lbs 1oz and 18.5 inches long. She is absolutely gorgeous and her birth was probably the most amazing and emotional moment of my life (to date). So, let's see... Where do I begin?

The doctor's came and got me for my induction at 6:00 am on Wednesday morning. They wheeled me to the Delivery room and checked my cervix for dilation. I was already at 3cm so they didn't give me the cervadil, just started me on an IV of Pitocin. The wait was on... The nurse came in every 30 minutes and increased the pitocin and it wasn't long before I felt my first real contraction - not so bad, very mild and tolerable... My parents arrived at about 10:00 am and then they too were playing the waiting game with us.

At around 1:30 pm they checked me and I was 4cm dilated so I decided it was time for my epidural. This was what scared me the most about giving birth. The two anestheilogists came in and showed me how to sit and curve my back while my husband held me up. This wasn't good. It hurt. When they stuck the needle in to numb the area, I got weak and light headed and nearly fainted. So they had me lay on my side and put an oxygen mask on me and instructed me to breath deeply. About 10 minutes later I was back to normal but they were afraid to try again with me sitting up so they decided to do it with me laying down. Can we just say OWWWW! I did not like it at all! And to make matters worse, the guy who actually did my epidural was a student! I was frightened! Then came the catheter, which was not pleasant either but I was able to cope. Once it kicked in, I was better and could no longer feel my contractions, or my legs. Jason was in charge of moving them for me since I had no control. But, after a couple hours, I noticed I could feel and move my left leg but not my right one... uh-oh! Something is wrong!

The anestheologists came back in to check me and said it was a gravity issue and that I needed to roll onto my other side. I did and still nothing changed. I continued on with only my right side truly numb until around 5:00 pm. My doctor came in to check me and I was still only 5cm dilated. However, she noticed alot of scar tissue around my cervix from my LEEP procedure and so she proceeded to "break up" the scar tissue with her fingers! This hurt! Epidural? What's that? She also manually broke my bag of waters since they were still only partially ruptured... what a weird feeling! At this point, my parents and my mother-in-law decided it was time to eat. They went down to the cafeteria and we said we would call if anything changed... Something changed!

About an hour later, around 6:30 pm, my pain was unbearable! I was nearly screaming in agony "Something's wrong! Somebody help me! Why isn't anyone helping me" so Jason called for the anestheologists and they came in to find out why I was feeling so much pain. Well as it turns out, it wasn't contractions that I was feeling, but it was the pressure of the baby, she was trying to come out! The doctor came in and checked me and sure enough, I was fully dilated! It was time to start pushing! I went from 5cm to 10cm in about an hour! I told Jason to call my mom and she was there in no time. It was time for the hard part...

There was chaos and commotion all around me. The team of NICU doctors and pediatricians were behind a curtain waiting for Brianne and I had 2 doctors delivering the baby, my mom holding one leg, Jason holding one leg and my hand, two nurses helping to tell me when to push and giving me ice chips and my dad, hiding behind the curtain waiting to see Bri. I pushed for an hour and the entire time I just wanted to give up and keep her in there forever. Everyone kept yelling at me to push but it hurt and I was screaming "I can't do this!!!!" but finally, they saw her head. I reached down and touched her little head and it gave me strength! She had hair! So I pushed with all my might and after 6 or 7 attempts, she was here!!!!!!!! Ah, relief!



I couldn't really see her when they held her up because I had taken my glasses off and I was scared because I didn't hear her crying! They whisked her away to behind the curtain to the NICU doctors and I was crying and Jason was crying and my mom was crying... I did it! Finally, I heard her first little cry and it was all okay! Jason continued to hold my hand but was watching what was going on with Bri assuring me she was okay. Meanwhile, I was being cleaned up and stitched up (only 1) and still crying of course. They brought her around and let me hold her for like 15 seconds before taking her to the NICU. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen! Even with her little oxygen hoses in her nose, it was love at first sight! And they took her from me! No bonding, no nursing, no intimate moment of her and me and Jason, they just took her! But I know it was to make sure she was okay but it was the hardest thing ever. I wouldn't see her again until midnight...

Here she is!





And this is her the next morning, no longer on the CPAP, laying on her daddy!

33w6d - My last day being pregnant?

Tomorrow is the big day! If everything goes well, tomorrow will be Bri's birthday! I'm so excited today that I can barely sit still. I have been up since 7 this morning and have been packing up my stuff so they can move me to a labor and delivery suite tomorrow morning. I had a big breakfast too because I know that they aren't going to let me eat tomorrow so I ordered french toast and bacon with milk and a coffee. Yumm!

They just came and did my final ultrasound which was a Biophysical Profile (not a fetal growth unfortunately cuz we all wanted to see how much she weighs now) but she passed with an 8 out of 8. Her little organs all look great and she had the hiccups so she passed her "breathing" test and movement test. They also did my last NST today and she did perfect on it too. She had 4 heart rate accelerations in half an hour so her heart seems to be in perfect condition! She would not be still though and we had to keep moving the monitor pads. It was like she was trying to kick them off my belly!

Last night Jason came by after work and he said he couldn't wait till Wednesday to give me my gift so he gave it to me last night. It's the best! See, about a year ago he bought me a Pandora bracelet and I decided that since the charms aren't exactly cheap, that I would only buy charms to commemorate special occasions. So after Jason proposed to me he bought me the "true love" charm, for my wedding gift he bought me the wedding cake charm and a clip with a blue rhinestone to be my something blue, when we found I was pregnant he bought me the baby carriage charm, when we found out it was a girl he bought me a pink charm, and to commemorate her birth he bought me the "little girl" charm (pictured below) and I couldn't love it more! He is absolutely the best hubby ever and I don't know what I ever did to deserve him!



So since we know that I won't be able to eat anything tomorrow we ordered a large pizza from LaRosa's for dinner so I could keep the leftovers in my room today. Now I can munch on cold pizza all day! But I guess them starving me tomorrow will be a good head start on my post-baby diet. And I must add that I'm in much better spirits today than I was yesterday. Although I'm still super emotional and cried this morning when I was listening to her heartbeat but it was a happy cry this time. I have several things to take care of today too and keeping busy keeps me happy. And I just keep telling myself that in 24 hours I could have my little one in my arms! So this may be my last full day being pregnant with Bri and it does make me a little sad. I feel like right now she is my constant companion and I'm never truly alone. I will miss that but it'll be worth it when I see her face for the first time.

33w5d - Going stir crazy

I am absolutely going crazy in this hospital room today. I have been trying to stay busy with my laptop and books and I showered and put makeup on (just trying to feel normal) and took my little afternoon walk up and down the hallway but this room feels like a prison cell to me today. And my nurse has once again forgotten about me! I just want some clean bed clothes is that too much to ask? I am going to have take another walk to the nurse's station I guess (and then by the vending machine for some chocolate). And the air in this hospital is so dry I feel like my skin is going to peel off! I can't get enough lotion today!

My friend Jolie was supposed to come visit me today but she has to work late so she isn't coming until tomorrow. Jason had to work today so he will be here later to have dinner with me but then he's got to go home and finish getting stuff ready for when Bri comes. See, even though I will be delivering early and we are prepared for the worst (a long stay in the NICU) we are still planning for the best (she gets to come home with me after a couple days).

Last night my mom and aunt came to visit me and they brought me good food! They brought me a fish sandwich and onion rings and a strawberry pie-baby from Frisch's! Mom also brought me baby goodies! An adorable little outfit, some bottles and drop-in liners and a pack of bibs (one says "Teething Bites" and it's my fave. You can kind of see it in the picture below). After they left, I took another short walk and then tried to get sleepy but it's difficult when there are so many thoughts going through your head. I had planned on asking for an Ambien for Tuesday night (the night before labor starts) but I may ask for one tonite too. Once I got to sleep though I slept okay, but it's so hard to get comfortable in this hospital bed (especially since it's always wet from my leaking). I actually had to ask my nurse for some Desitin today because I am getting a rash on my bum...



I am such an emotional basket case today too that I had a crying fit that lasted for a good hour I think. I have never felt so many different emotions at the same time. I've been reading up on what to expect when they induce me on Wednesday. I just wish there was a plan. My doctor's came in and talked to me this morning and said that they will be taking me for my final ultrasound tomorrow morning. And then Wednesday morning first thing they are coming to get me and move me to labor and delivery. They are going to give me some gel stuff to try and soften/dilate my cervix, and then if necessary start me on Pitocin to progress me further along. I'm terrified! But so excited!! The best day of my life is less than 48 hours away!!!!

When I get out of this hospital, I need a haircut, color and a pedicure desperately! I feel like I haven't worn real clothes or fixed my hair or looked pretty in weeks. I'm going to go for a whole day of pampering! My mom is going to fix my hair for me Wednesday morning so that I will look decent when I meet my daughter for the first time (and for all the pictures that will surely be taken). Oh, did I mention that my belly button finally popped out! I think it's a sign! It's telling me that the bun is done cooking! If I ever get some real clothes on again I'll have someone take a picture of me...

33w4d- The last days of pregnancy...

You would think that since I have had a high risk pregnancy and been on bed rest for the last almost 6 weeks that I would be happy to see the end of this pregnancy. I thought I would be too. But now that the end is only 3 days away, I can't help but be sad. I am going to miss all the good parts of being pregnant: feeling Bri moving around in my belly with those little kicks and punches, trying to identify what body part is pushing my belly into those weird shapes, hearing her heartbeat on the monitor and seeing her on the ultrasound and just the idea of being pregnant have been the best. However, I wish that I could have enjoyed these last few weeks in the way that a "normal" pregnant woman would have. It would have been so nice to be able to go shopping for baby stuff and to wear the cute maternity clothes I bought and only wore a few times. I wish I could have finished the nursery and enjoyed my baby showers and gone to the child birth classes we registered for...

Jason spent last night and this morning with me. Before he left we had lunch and took a walk. I had to make him leave me though because I know he needs to go home and do laundry and take care of things before going back to work tomorrow. And I'm sure my two furry babies at home would like some food and some company too. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have him stay here with me every day and night but I want him to be rested and to keep some normalcy in his life before the baby comes. I have asked so much of him lately and he's been taking such wonderful care of me and doing all the house work, paying all the bills, etc. so I feel like giving him some alone time is just a little way to thank him. But every time he leaves me, I still cry...

But I have a little excitement still ahead of me this evening though. First, my mom and aunt are coming to visit me for a little while. Then at 6:00 the NCAA Selection Show is on!!!! I love March Madness!!! I look forward to this all year long! I have my blank bracket to fill out and Jason is going to bring me a USA Today tomorrow with all the March Madness stuff in it! I was actually looking forward to being on bed rest through the first 2 rounds of the tournament so that I could watch all the games, but it looks like I'll miss them again since I will be in labor. That's alright though, I'm more excited about labor and delivery than basketball...

Well I have a busy schedule ahead of me haha. I need to squeeze in a shower before my visitors arrive and have someone change out my bed clothes for me. So I will write more later and hopefully I will have some pics to post by then.

33w3d - The leaky cauldron...

Day 4 in the hospital and I'm starting to get antsy and irritated. I am so anxious and excited about my induction, but I feel like I need to have a plan. I'm a planner and need to know how and when things will happen. I know that I am going to be induced Wednesday, but don't know what time or what the process will be and I need to know these things! My doctor poked her head in my room this morning but of course I was in the ladies room at the time so she said she would come back but she hasn't yet and it's killing me! Yesterday I asked the high risk doctor if she knew what time they would start and she said it's dependant upon what is going on in L&D but that they would probably move me over there first thing in the morning...

And I'm totally irritated over the fact that I haven't seen my nurse all morning and I need things and have questions and was supposed to have my NST done at 10 and it's now 11:30... Why is it that at night when I'm trying to sleep I get woken up every hour by a nurse or PCA checking on me or getting my vitals etc but during the day they just leave me hanging grrr!

My nurse finally came in and did my NST and Bri is doing great, as always! I was having some concerns about how my leaking has slowed down today and was worried that maybe that meant I had no more fluid to leak but my nurse assured me that my fluid levels are great. Yes, even though I'm constantly leaking my fluid levels are still in the normal range. I must have had a ton of fluid in there then cuz I sprung this leak on Tuesday and it's Saturday!

I got to take a little walk yesterday which was nice, but there really isn't any place to go. So I walked to the little waiting room and got a soda out of the vending machine then walked to the nurse's station and back again. I realize that may not be exciting to most people but when you're cramped up in a hospital room all day any change of scenery is good. And the fact that I'm allowed to take that walk now is great! No more bed rest because they actually want my cervix to shorten and dilate now, woohoo! And as long as my fluid levels are still in the normal, I'm free to roam about the floor : )

Last night my mom stayed with me and we had a little hospital room party. My husband brought us dinner from my favorite mexican restaurant, yumm! Then after he left, mom and I played cards and made microwave popcorn and watched movies. We worked out a little schedule of who will be staying with me and coming to "babysit" me while I'm here. Today my BFF is coming over and then Jason is staying with me tonite. Tomorrow night I'll be alone, but Monday my friend Jolie is coming to visit and Jason's aunt Wendy is coming to visit and my mom is spending the night with me. Then Tuesday Jason is staying the night because that is the night before induction and I know I'll be a nervous wreck and will need him here through that.

Woohoo, Bri will be here in 4 days!!!!

33w2d - A St Patrick's Day Birth!

Well, I am still here in the hospital but things are looking good. My mom came and spent the day with me yesterday and is coming back this afternoon. My husband brought me some chinese food and spent the night with me last night. He even braved my leaking and got in my teeny tiny hospital bed with me this morning and cuddled with me for a few hours which was so nice.

Updates... My team of doctors (my OB, my High Risk OB and the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor) came in this morning and talked to me about the test results from yesterday. Little Bri's lungs are not quite ready to breathe oxygen yet, but they are super close. So, the plan is unless she decides to make her debut early (which is doubtful), they will be inducing me on Wednesday the 17th! That means we will be having a St Patty's Day baby! We need to get her a green outfit for her first pictures! We don't have a set time yet but I'm hoping it's early enough in the morning that she will be born before midnight.

After talking to the docs, they came and got me for another ultrasound. Bri is head down and ready to go. The interesting thing is that even though I have a steady leak, she still has enough fluid to swim in. They said my fluid levels were 22 which is in the normal range. Guess it's a good thing I've been drinking my 8 glasses a day. The u/s tech said Bri is right around 5 lbs now and she is practicing her breathing and her heart and other organs look great. Her heart rate is perfect and we passed the NST test within the first 5 minutes of being hooked up. And she's still moving around like crazy! She was trying to put her little foot in her mouth again during the u/s...

So folks, I will officially be a mother in 5 days! I don't know why but it just feels so surreal now! I'm so excited yet at the same I am terrified! Terrified of our little girl having to spend time in the NICU. Of not being able to bond with her right away or start nursing right away. Of seeing her hooked up to tubes and monitors. And yes, I'm also terrified of when she gets to come home! Premies seem so much more fragile and breakable than regular newborns and we are going to have one!

Oh, and do you want to know how small a world it is that we live in? A friend from high school just happens to be a nurse here in the postpartum ward! She stopped by my room last night to say hello and check on me. She saw my post on facebook that I was here. So I just wanted to say thanks Karla for being so kind and caring and for visiting me last night! It's nice to get company and to see friendly faces while I'm here.

Holy crap we are going to be parents in less than a week!!!!!!!!!!!!!

33w1d - The countdown to labor has begun...

So I am back in the hospital but this time when we leave, there will be 3 of us!!! Yes that's right, Bri will be here anytime now... I know what you're saying, "But Tonja you're only 33 weeks pregnant" which is of course right. So how am I in labor and delivery now?

Tuesday evening I noticed some fluid leaking and just assumed, as has been the case in the past, that Bri was bouncing on my bladder and causing a little urine to leak. But it continued, and continued to the point that I was becoming concerned. My husband and I discussed our options and since my OB office was already closed, we decided to sleep on it and go to the hospital in the morning. I didn't sleep at all! I laid down and tried to sleep but with the constant trickle of fluid leaking out of me, even when laying down, I was too worried and annoyed. I went to lay on the couch around 3am and watched a movie just waiting for 6am to roll around so I could wake my husband and get ready to go to the hospital.

We made it to the hospital at about 7:45 am and I was admitted immediately. The doctor's came in and did a fern test to determine if I was leaking amniotic fluid and sure enough, my water had broken. Not completely broken, just ruptured enough so that there is a steady constant flow of fluid. They did an ultrasound and checked the baby and she of course was excellent and thank god, head down. They said she's about 5lbs right now and that's great for 33 weeks. They had already given me the steroid shots for her lungs during my first stay here, but they gave me a "rescue shot" of steroids, just in case, and started me on 3 different antibiotics to try and prevent infection from getting to Bri since the membranes are ruptured. The Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor came in and explained to me at this point, the risk of infection to the baby is greater than the risk of early delivery. So, if I don't go into labor soon, they will be inducing me next Wednesday which is the 34 week milestone!

I was having some pretty regular contractions last night, not too painful and they were still about 25 minutes apart. But they stopped. They checked and I had not dilated any and my cervix was showing closed, ironic since I've been on bed rest for 5 weeks with a short, weak, dilated cervix. When they determined that I was not going to go into active labor around 7 PM (which usually happens 24 hours after the water breaks) they moved me to a more comfy room and let me have some food, finally! Jason ran out and got me a Big Mac meal from McDonald's so I wouldn't have to eat cafeteria food and it was the best meal ever!!!! My parents came down too thinking I might go into labor, they obviously wanted to be here. But no baby last night...

The NICU doctor came in and talked to us last night too about what to expect when having a premature baby and even though this hospital has a level 3 NICU and it's one of the best in the Midwest, it's still worrisome. They said we will get to see her and hold her, but then it's off to the NICU with her. She will be there until they determine she can breathe on her own and that she is able to feed well enough and that there are no complications such as jaundice or some worse things that I don't want to think about again. They said she could spend as little as a couple days there to as many a few weeks. I'm hoping for only a couple days obviously! But I will be here with here until they let us take her home! So once we knew she wouldn't be making an appearance, I sent Jason home to feed the kitties and get some rest. He went, reluctantly...

This morning I had a knock on the door and guess who it was?!?!? It was Jason, the best husband in the world! He brought me breakfast and coffee, a cooler full of diet 7-ups, a snack bag, my laptop, and a bag filled with movies, magazines and books! He and I ate breakfast together and then the doctor came in. She said they are going to do a test after breakfast to see if Bri's lungs are mature enough now to go ahead and induce! So she told me to lay flat after I eat to let the fluid pool so she could collect some. Jason went ahead and left after I promised to call him once we had the test results. My Dr came back in around 10:30 and was able to collect a small amount of fluid, but she wasn't sure if it was enough or not. She sent it off and now we are waiting on the results...

I am convinced that the results will show her lungs are mature and she will be ready to be born today. I just have a feeling that she is ready to join the world and meet her mommy and daddy finally. She's been trying to get out now for the last 5 weeks and I don't think she wants to wait anymore. Besides, if we have her before midnight tonight, she and her only cousin Tara will share a birthday! But either way, Brianne will be here within the next 5-6 days!!!!!! We are so excited! Will update with more info as I get it...

32w6d - Minor Annoyances

It's yet another beautiful day here and again I wish I were outside enjoying it. I did go out and sit on the patio for a few minutes before feeling guilty about being upright and coming back in. I woke up hopeful because yesterday my mom said she would come over today to keep me company, so after breakfast I took a quick shower and put on clean pj's. When I came back downstairs, I had a text message saying she and my dad are getting their taxes done today and she would try to come tomorrow. I know she is busy on her off-work days and I know she probably doesn't realize how something little like her saying she would come visit could be such a big deal to me but it was. When you're on bed rest, it's the little things that you look forward to. Anything that offers a break in the normal routine of just laying on the couch alone that can brighten one's day. So I'm a little disappointed now that it's just going to be another boring day...

Today's Tuesday, pay day! I have a few bills to pay and I had planned on doing a little online shopping today (I really need to buy some nursing bras) so first thing this morning I checked my checking account online only to find that instead of getting paid what I should have, I only got paid about 1/4 of it! So since I'm on short term disability for being on bed rest, I contacted my HR contact and my STD case worker. My HR contact said that the last thing they received from my STD case worker was that I was only approved until 2/25 and that my claim was pending documents from my doctor. I knew my STD case worker was waiting for documents and I have called my OB several times, but I was told that he needed the docs by the 10th or my claim would be closed. Uh, hello, tomorrow is the 10th so what's the problem?? Turns out, while my claim was "pending" I was not eligible to be paid! WTF??? Why wasn't I told this in advance? So now I don't when, or if, I will be receiving the rest of my weekly pay or not and that makes it very difficult to pay our mortgage, car payment etc. I feel like keeping up with my STD case is a freaking full time job as I talk to them almost daily about one problem or another. I just hope it's not as time consuming once Bri is here because god only knows how busy I'll be with a newborn let alone trying to keep up with my STD claim, arg!

And to make matters worse, my husband and I overslept this morning so he ended up getting to work late. That means he won't be home until late and that makes me sad. I always get so happy every day around 4:30 because I know he'll be walking in the door in few minutes, but not today. I probably won't see him tonite until like 6 or 6:30 which means I will be home alone for longer. Yet another annoyance in a day filled with them.

And did I mention I'm craving cake??? My mom was supposed to be bringing me cake today too and now guess what... no cake for me today!

But on a good note, tomorrow is my 33 week milestone yay! Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for me (and someone will bring me some cake!).

32w5d - Random Updates

So I posted yesterday that Jason's aunt is doing one of the canvas tiles for the nursery right? Well she's already finished it and it looks gorgeous! I can't wait to get the rest of the letters finished and hang them up! The tile she did is pictured below, isn't the butterfly adorable?!?!



I have been complaining lately that I can't bend over and how I really needed to cut my toenails. Well last night, my husband surprised me with the clippers and he cut them for me! He even filed them afterwards! Now that's love right there! He is so good to me and has been taking such wonderful care of me and everything around the house. What would I have done these last 4 and half weeks without him??

Last week Jason had a crazy idea and when he told me about it, he planted a seed. His grandparents passed away last year and the family is selling everything to split. Jason mentioned how nice it would be if bought their house. We currently own a townhouse condo that is big enough for our small family but still small. If we could buy their house we would be increasing in size and it has a fenced in back yard with an in ground swimming pool, 2 car garage, 2 full bathrooms and 4 bed rooms. We only have 3 bedrooms now and a deck out back but no garage or yard. Plus we would be keeping the house in the family and it's large enough that we could have family gatherings for holidays and such. So, assuming we could sell our place, we really want to buy this place. But again, if our place doesn't sell in time we would be stuck with 2 mortgages and a new baby and that would not be feasible for us. So now we are brainstorming on how we can make this happen. And did I mention we would be soooooo much closer to my parents and Jason's family which means my mom and dad would be able to watch Bri and we could cut back on the cost of day care. So, everyone cross your fingers for us and hope that this works out for us!

It's such a nice day today!!! I snuck out back and sat on the patio for a few minutes today. I couldn't resist the sunshine!

32w4d - I cheated Yesterday...

Yes that's right, I cheated yesterday. My husband "snuck" me out of the house for a few hours and it was wonderful! I was still good though. He drove me to his aunt and uncle's house where I sat in their big cozy recliner and we just hung out and had dinner. And it was such a gorgeous day with the sun shining and the snow melting... I even had a few sips of wine with my dinner. I'm so glad I was able to get out and do something though, even if it was only sitting at someone else's house.

And I had a good excuse to cheat too. We are doing an art project for Bri's room and I needed to take the supplies to Lynne. See, I bought these 8x10 canvases and painted each one the same color as the walls (pale pink), and then on each of the canvases, we are going to put one letter of Brianne's name. But we are letting a friend or family member each do one letter. I did the 'A', Jason is doing the 'I', my mom and dad are each doing a letter, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law are each doing a letter, Jason's aunt Lynne is doing a letter and my BFF Sam is doing a letter. Yes I realize that is 8 people for a name with only 7 letters but we are doing our last initial too (which is also Bri's first initial) to hang on another wall. Oh, and Lynne is doing 2 masks with butterfly designs for the nursery too. She is so artistic and talented! She is making the masks out of gourds and we can hang them over the little tap lights and use them as night lights! When she finishes them I will post pics because it's just too hard to explain them in words.

Since it's Sunday, Jason is making a pork roast for us (Sunday's are usually slow cooker and/or roast days around here). It's been cooking since about 2:00 and the whole house smells so good, yumm! I have been craving something all day too and can't seem to figure out what exactly. I've had ice cream, an apple with peanut butter, a fruit cup, crackers and cheese, chocolate milk and I still want something but I still don't know what! Maybe it's the smell of the roast that is confusing my taste buds. I know I can't wait for some mashed potatoes though!

I'm getting super excited that I am approaching the 34 week milestone! Only 10 more days and hopefully I will be allowed to return to work and to return to normal activity. Even if I'm only allowed to work from home, I hope that I can at least start working on the nursery and cooking and shopping again. I feel like honestly, it probably wouldn't hurt me to do some of those activities now but my husband won't let me ("Doctor's Orders!) so I continue to lay on the couch and watch him do laundry and cook and clean. That's killing me too because I want to nest! I want to clean the house before the baby comes and organize the kitchen cupboards to make room for baby food, I want to sterilize all the new bottles and pacifiers and breast pump parts, I want to finish putting the baby clothes away and organize the closet in the nursery and I want to clean the car thoroughly before we try to install the car seat. Hopefully I will be able to some, if not all of these things in about 10 days!

I love the weekends because that means I have my Jason home with me all day but it always makes Monday's all that much harder. I usually cry when he leaves for work on Monday morning too. But, hopefully I only have 2 more Monday's to put up with the feeling of abandonment. I am going to try to have a good and positive week too. I have several things to look forward too, other than having our little sweet pea. We are taking a birthing class on March 20 (assuming my doctor still allows this), and I have another baby shower (for my side of the family) on March 27. Unfortunately one of the things I was looking forward too next weekend I can't attend though (my niece's second birthday party). I just can't be making the trip and spending 2 hours in the car to get there. It makes me super sad though!

Well since my weekend time with my husband is coming to end, I am going to spend it with him. And I still need to get him to take a new belly shot of me so after dinner it's on. I will post the pic tomorrow.

32w2d - Boredom

I'm bored again... I've been ok all week and have kept busy with various little tasks and today I finished everything I had to do and boredom has returned. I read all my magazines, and finished my thank you cards, filled out the invitations for my family baby shower, surfed the web and now there's nothing on tv. And to make it worse, the sun is shining and it's fairly warm outside and I just want to be out there doing something! I just feel like screaming!!!

Being stuck in the house is getting old! I would just love to go for a drive or something at this point. I know I was just out yesterday for my doctor appointment and maybe that's why I feel so bored today because I got to leave yesterday. I don't know but today it's killing me! And everyone is at work so I can't call and ask someone to come visit me. Hopefully Jason will be home early tonite. Maybe we can go pick up some take out when he gets home... But then I'll just feel guilty for cheating. But it just feels like the walls are starting to close in on me...

I'm trying to stay positive so I don't have an anxiety attack but it's getting harder to do that. I have only got one week and five days left till I will be allowed some freedom and possibly even the option of returning to work. It just feels like that is so far away that I'll never make it. Yes I know, it's only 13 days, but that feels like a life time to me. And to make matters worse, my niece's 2nd birthday party is March 13 in Louisville (which is 2 hours away) and there's no way I will be able to go to it. I feel like a prisoner.

13 Days till the 34 week milestone... I can do it! I have to do it for Bri and I know that I can but days like today make it so hard to see the end goal. I wish I could go to sleep for 13 days and wake up and it'll all be over with.

32w1d - Good News!

Today was my weekly outing to the doctor and for my fetal growth ultrasound... Yesterday I was feeling very positive about it, but this morning I was feeling anxious. I cheated a little this week - going through all my gifts from the shower, went with Jason last night to the Frisch's drive thru for Big Boys and onion rings and did a little more sitting than laying. But, I got good news! My cervix has not effaced or dilated any more! My OB was very excited at the way things looked and said I'm doing good.

The ultrasound showed Bri is growing and she's now up to 4.5 lbs! She is totally healthy and right where she should be growth wise so that is great news too. She was being shy though and didn't want to show her face. We did finally get a peak at it though but then she put her little fists back up and covered it. We saw her little feet and while we were looking at them she kicked me pretty hard. It's funny because now I know what body parts are where and so I can tell a kick from a punch.

I feel so relieved now! I feel like I know my limits more now and that it is actually okay for me to do some things at the house. I don't want to be too ambitious and overdo it but I feel like it's okay for me to do some little things and that I don't have to be in bed all day. It's such a relief to know that I've been able to keep the bun in the oven for 4 weeks now!!

After my appointment, my husband took me through the McDonald's drive thru for lunch and I dropped him off at work and drove home. But I cheated a little... I went to Walgreens. I parked right in front of the door and just bought thank you cards for my shower and a couple magazines to keep me occupied today. I think that this weekend Jason is going to sneak me out again to visit his aunt and uncle too. His aunt Lynne is going to do a painting for the baby's room so we need to go talk to her about the theme of the room. I'm looking forward to this outing too because it's supposed to be warm and sunny Saturday!

And when I got home there was a package on the door step! My friend Katie who couldn't make it to the shower last weekend sent me a gift! It's a newborn sling and it's so nice! Thanks Katie!!!

32 Weeks!!! Hoping for a good appointment...

I've made it to 32 weeks today! This is a personal victory for me because I was sure I wouldn't last a week on bed rest and I've now lasted 4. For those of you who don't know me, I've never been one to sit still for too long - always on the go. So this is huge for me! And I will admit that some days the being lazy and laying around the house isn't so bad, but my body is paying the price. I'm sure I've lost like 25% of my muscle mass and lung capacity so I'm not real sure how I'm going to survive labor and delivery, or caring for a newborn. Good thing I have such a wonderful husband, family and friends to help me out.

My weekly OB appointment is tomorrow and as usual, I'm nervous and anxious. We also have a fetal growth ultrasound tomorrow and I'm excited to see Bri again and find out how much she weighs now. She was weighing in at a whopping 3.5 lbs at 28 weeks so I'm guessing she'll be around 4.5 now. That's reassuring to know just in case she does come early. My big worry for the week is as usual centered around my stubborn cervix. Last week my OB estimated that it was already about 90% effaced, so now I'm wondering if it has changed. And if it has changed, and it is more effaced or god forbid fully effaced, what will happen? Will that mean that labor is imminent? Will she want to induce me or keep me in the hospital? I will of course be taking my overnight bags with me but let's all hope and pray that I will not end up in the Labor & Delivery ward tomorrow.

Yesterday I had some serious preggo cravings... My lunch consisted of a can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli, doritos, a pickel and some chocolate ice cream. Looks like I've got my appetite back! Today I have a Friends marathon planned and will be staying in bed (as apposed to the couch) all day to "prep" for my doctor's appointment. Not too thrilled about that but it seems to have worked in the past. And Jason is leaving for work right now so my solitude begins. I'm always a little sad when he leaves me in the morning...

On a good note, it's starting to warm up around here and spring is just around the corner. I love seeing the sunshine through the curtains though I don't think I could have survived my house arrest if it would have happened in the spring or summer. So I should be allowed back out into the real world at 34 weeks which is right around the official start of spring! I wonder if I'll have time to plant my flowers before Bri comes? I keep fantasizing about me taking Bri out in her stroller for long walks and sitting in the sun on the deck with her. I wonder if we'll be able to swim before my maternity leave ends... So for now I am going back to bed to dream of warmer days with my little sweet pea.

31w6d - A letter to my daughter

Brianne,
These last four weeks have been tough but in just a short while, you will be here and all the hardships we went through will have been more than worth it. I can't wait till I finally get to meet you and see your sweet little face. I dream about you nightly and wonder if you are dreaming too. Your daddy and I already love you so much and can't wait to bring you home.

You had hiccups again today. I always feel so bad when you get them and hope they aren't painful or annoying. I must admit that I am going to miss feeling you moving around in my belly. It's the most reassuring feeling in the world to know you are in there and that you are healthy. It always erases all my worries and fears. I read to you again today, and every time I do I hope you can hear me.

Tomorrow I will be 32 weeks pregnant and we will get to see you on ultrasound again on Thursday. I can't wait to see you and hear your heartbeat again! I think that since your birth is getting nearer I am getting more anxious too. I have moments of fear - fear that I won't be a good mother or know how to comfort you when you cry or know when you are hungry. But everytime I am afraid, your daddy comforts me and tells me that I'm going to be a wonderful mom. He is so strong and will be the best dad ever. He has been my rock through all of this and is so patient and caring.

You have kept company in a way these last 4 weeks being home all day and we are going to have so much fun when you are born. I hope we will be best friends as you grow up too. I love you so much,
Mom

31w5d - Baby Shower Recap

Yesterday was my baby shower and it was totally fun! I loved getting to see all my family and friends and the chance to get out of the house if only for a few hours. I just want to thank my mom, Sam and Jennifer for throwing such a great shower and thanks to everyone who came and for all the wonderful baby stuff!!! We got a ton of diapers and wipes and clothes! So many teeny tiny little outfits that I can't to put on Bri! I hope she likes pink lol.



The games were a hoot too! Even though the "guess mommy's tummy size" game made me feel huge and fat lol. But I got several jars of baby food left over from the guess the food in the jar game. And speaking of food, yumm! Sam my BFF (that's me and her in the pic below) made yummy chocolate cupcakes and they were totally adorable! And Jenn made punch with sherbert yumm!



I have so many things I want to put together too. My parents got us the stroller/car seat travel system and I can't wait to see it together. They also got us the matching high chair and a bouncy seat. Now I have 2 bouncy seats (one was a Christmas gift from Sam) so I'll be able to leave one at my parents' house for when they watch her. Now I am sad though because we have all this wonderful stuff and I can't get out of bed to put stuff away and organize or play with any of it. I did however get my breast pump out this morning and examined it... looks scary! Not looking forward to pumping! So this week I am going to write out my thank you notes which I will have plenty of time for.

After the shower I was totally exhausted though! It's amazing how much muscle tone and energy I have lost in the last 4 weeks! And whoa has my lung capacity diminished! I basically just crashed on the couch after the shower and waited for dinner (Jason made chicken marsala, yumm!!) and then went to bed after eating. I'm not sure how I am going to survive labor when I'm so weak! Thank god Jason is going to be home with me for the first week after she's born! And my mom is going to take off the 2nd week and stay with me to help out. Hopefully 2 weeks will be enough time to let me regain some lost muscle and energy...

31w4d - Baby Shower Day!

Today is my baby shower and I'm so excited! It's been an exciting weekend already and I still have my shower to look forward too!

Yesterday my mom, mother-in-law, sister-in-law, niece, BFF and her boyfriend all came to visit and help set up for the shower. It was wonderful to have company and see everyone! And my mom let me walk over to our condo clubhouse (where the shower is going to be) and watch her decorate it. I know to the average person who is allowed to leave their house that may not hold the excitement it did for me but it was just nice to see new surroundings.

I already got to open 2 gifts - one from a friend a work, Chas, and one from Anna; they can't make it to the shower today and I will miss them. Thanks ladies, love love love the gifts, especially the teeny tiny little onesies!!! And Jennifer my sis-in-law brought me a box of baby stuff that was Tara's (my niece) with clothes and bottles and diapers and all sorts of goodies in it.

After everyone left, Jason made home made beef stroganoff and then after dinner he put together the co-sleeper that we ordered. It was very humorous too because, as a man, he refused to read the directions before diving into the project, and he couldn't figure out one part of it. So I had to read the directions to him (even though he didn't ask me too) and he finally got it all together. He was so cute when he finished it because he tested it out by laying in it himself. I think he is a little over the weight limit for it but it held him so I have faith it will hold our little sweat pea.

I will post pics and details of the shower tomorrow. I am so excited!!!

31w2d - Time for a little fun!

As you have probably read by now, my baby shower is this Sunday, and I'm totally excited about it. I feel like I have some real fun in my future! Today I have a project to work on for the shower which will occupy me for a while. And there's a Eureka marathon on the SciFi channel which is awesome! And I have a bed rest buddy today - my husband is off!

Tomorrow my mom and aunt are coming over to start setting up for the shower. My husband and I live in a condo/townhouse and we have rented out the clubhouse for the shower. It's literally right across from our front door but the prospect of seeing new surroundings makes me happy. So they are going to come decorate it and stock the fridge with a sandwich tray and cheese ball and get it all set up for Sunday. I know I'm not allowed to help with the decorating or anything but I figured I could at least go over to the clubhouse and get comfy in one of the big chairs and watch them work lol. If they'll let me...

And then Sunday is the big day! I've been cheating and checking out my registries online and seeing what items have been purchased already. Jason always yells at me when he catches me looking because he says it isn't fair. But since I registered for the items we need and want, I can already guess what is going to be bought for me so what does it hurt to take a little peak from time to time. It's going to be great to get some baby stuff, but I know I'm going to be sad that I can't put it all away and get the nursery set up. I guess I'll have to wait for another 3 weeks to do that, and it'll be fun when I finally get to do it!

So Sunday morning my mom is going to come over and help me fix my hair and get ready. I was hoping it would be a little warmer when we had the shower so I could wear this cute maternity dress I bought way back when I could still go shopping (and have only worn once) but I guess I'll wear jeans... I can't wait to get all dressed up cute like a normal pregnant woman! What the heck, maybe I'll wear the dress after all. I mean, I only have to walk across the side walk a few feet then I'll be back inside where its warm right?

I think Bri is excited about the weekend of excitement too because she is still moving around like crazy! It's totally awesome too because I know how to make her move now. If I read or sing to her, she'll start to move. If I rub my belly, she moves. When my kitties lay near me and purr, she moves. I think she's anxious to get out and start living! But that's not surprising because if she's anything like me, she isn't going to like sitting still for long! It's so bizarre to think that in just a few weeks, she's going to be here! And I'm going to be a mom! I'm so excited but at the same time, still a little scared. Newborns just seem to fragile and breakable and we're going to have one soon! We're going to be responsible for another human life that can't take care of itself! The thought fills me with so many different emotions that I just feel like I may explode! But I can't wait! Bri and I are going to have so much fun when she is here! We can go for walks in the park and I can take her shopping and take her to work to show her off to everyone...

I better get started on my project for the shower. I'll post pics of it when I finish.