Separation Anxiety Anxiety

Brianne will be 18 months old in 2 days, so when can I expect this separation anxiety she has to go away? It just makes it so difficult to leave her at daycare each morning when she clings to my leg, and cries when I try to walk away from her or when she reaches for me when Jason puts her down. It’s killing me! No matter how good our mornings are, no matter what mood I am in when we walk into daycare, I leave there feeling anxious and upset and usually with tears streaming down my face (thank god for water proof mascara!). Basically, it ruins my day and makes me grumpy all the time. I hate seeing that look on her face every day, that look of sadness and abandonment. And it makes me wonder what thoughts are going through her head when we leave her there. Does she really think we are abandoning her? Does she think we don’t want to spend time with her? Does she think we may not come back for her?

And as if the anxiety and sadness weren’t enough, I worry, still, constantly! I know mom’s worry about their children, that’s just how it works. But my level of worrying doesn’t fall within the realm of healthy worrying. For example, this morning Bri woke up with some red bumps on her face. After close inspection, and confirmation from Jason, the bumps were determined to be simple mosquito bights. But they are in the most inopportune locations – one above her eyebrow, one under her eye, two on her forehead and later we discovered 2 on her legs. Now, logic and reasoning tells me that there is nothing to worry about. We played out back yesterday evening before bed, there are mosquitoes outside, Bri is low to the ground and oh so sweet, she got bitten. But there is this panicked, crazed voice in the back of my head saying, what if they aren’t actually mosquito bights? If they are mosquito bights, what if she gets west nile virus, or meningitis from them? What if it’s an allergic reaction to something? What if it’s measles? What if they are spider bights from a poisonous spider? Do the teachers at daycare think they are bruises and they are calling children’s services on us right now? Will other people see the bumps and think we have ~bed bugs~ (said in a whisper) at home?

I have noticed that my level of worry does seem to decrease as Brianne’s age increases, but when I think of the future I see a whole new flurry of activities that will cause me to come full circle back to this state of unhealthy worrying – bike riding, sports, dating, driving, moving out, and these are just a few of the infinite number of things that could and probably will cause me to worry. See, now I am worrying about being worried! Argh! Even at work, when I have a million things on my task list, nothing I do seems to distract me or take my thoughts off Brianne. Which again, I expect that too is normal of a mother that is away from her children. Maybe my worrying about anxiety and worry is typical “new” mom behavior and I’m getting myself all worked up for nothing…

Now, in an effort to lighten this post up some and lift my spirits as well, here is a picture of Brianne sporting her first ever pig tails! I couldn’t get her to look at me, she was way too preoccupied stacking cans of cat food in the cupboard, but I love this picture none the less. And as the mother of a little girl, I have had grand visions since she was born of fixing her hair into girly ribbons and pigtails. Now that her hair is finally getting longer, I am ecstatic!

My intent was to end this post on a high note, however, after the past few hours I find that impossible. I am just going to state for the record that I HATE computers!!!!! Every picture I have taken since February I had saved on my laptop. Now, they are all gone. GONE! I have tried everything I know and still the files/folders can not be recovered. Jason is going to try to work his magic tonight but I have accepted the fact that they are all gone and will not shed another tear over it…