30w4d - Hoping for a good day

I've noticed with this bed rest thing I have good days and I have bad days. Thursday was a great day! Got some good news from the doctor, got to come home, yay! Yesterday, not such a good day. I had a small melt down yesterday morning over the amount of discharge (I know TMI) I was having and it scared me and made me think I had sprung a leak in the amniotic sack. Even though Thursday I was told everything was fine, my brain concocted this scenario probably out of boredom. Well that put me in a funk for the rest of the day. And that makes me feel terrible because it's the weekend and my husband is home with me and I should be happy that I'm not alone. And then it just spirals out of control. I'm too bored to do anything enjoyable and worried that I'm stressing or upsetting Jason and panicking that I haven't felt the baby move in a while and then I just lay and cry. I feel like I have these full blown pity parties for myself at least a couple times a week and I can't stop them. I try to stay positive and think about the reason I am doing this, Bri, and that usually helps but this is really wearing on me mentally.

I have found a few outlets for my depression and worry and use them daily to try to stay positive. I have set short term goals for myself like making it to Wednesday because that's the 31 week mark, and Thursday is my OB appointment so I get to leave the house, and next Sunday is my baby shower. And I know that every day I keep the bun in the oven is a good thing and means less time for Bri to have to spend in the NICU. And now I feel like there's an end in sight, just 3 weeks and 3 days till the 34 week mark and then possibly a return to work and normal life. But on good days, I have this clarity and can see these things. On bad days I don't. I am just so anxious to meet my little punkin and to be a mom and to have my little Bri home with us. I talk to her daily and tell her how much fun we're going to have while I'm on maternity leave with her. That makes me feel good, especially when she responds to me and kicks or rolls when I'm talking to her. I try to remember that feeling when I'm having a bad day and feel hopeless...

So yesterday my mom came to visit and brought me candy and we played cards. That was nice. And Jase and I had a movie-date night and watched Zombieland. Those things cheered me up. I even helped do some housework - Jason brought me a basket of clean laundry and I folded it lol. Today, I am going to focus on all the wonderful things that are going to happen. We are going to be parents! We are going to have a daughter and be a real family! She is going to be healthy, happy and beautiful and I'm going to endure all of this to ensure that she is. I'm going to be a mother and as a mother, I am going to have to make sacrifices, and this is just a test to see if I can do it. To see if I can be a good mother. And I'm going to pass it, I have too.

As I mentioned above, my shower is next Sunday and I can't wait to see my friends and family! I can't wait to get dressed up and look the part of the cute pregnant woman and eat cake and play games. I don't get to do too much, but this week I have a project to do for the shower. I am going to make party favors! Jason proposed to me with M&Ms, and we had M&Ms as a wedding favor so we bought some pink and white M&Ms and I'm going to put them in the leftover favor tins from the wedding and put pink ribbons on them this week. That'll keep me busy for a little while I hope. Plus I am so looking forward to my mother-in-law, sister-in-law and neice coming up from Louisville for the shower! So to ensure that I will be able to attend my own shower and not have to be hospitalized after my OB appointment on Thursday, I am going to put myself on strict bed rest again this week... which I am not looking forward to. But if I can do it for 3 days, then I should get more good news from the doctor on Thursday and I'll get to have my shower.

So here's hoping for a good day today and a more positive outlook for the rest of the week...